Rome 2: Total War, A Parody
by TheGreatHobbyist
Summary: This is what happens when you introduce veteran players of the series to an over-hyped and unpolished initial release of Rome 2... enjoy.


Rome 2 Total War:

A Parody

I relish the Germanic air as scores of battle-hardened battalions of the Woad Warriors reach the shores. The sea is friendly, the skies are calm, and the breeze welcomes a hardened life-time veteran to the barbarian lands of Flevum. This land seems all too kind to a horde of foreign invaders, it is a pity that the peoples here are so accustomed to such blissful tranquility. I will have to make a move to take them down soon, so this will upset the peace of the realm. After all, I, General Dagomaros, have resolved to conquer these lands, and by any means necessary. All, and any at all.

The enemy army of Flevum guards the inland shore, and awaits my arrival. They make no effort to pick off my troops as we disembark from our crude ships, and line-up into perfect formation. Unfortunately, not all of them managed to make it, as a few of my spearmen ships were stuck in patrol stance and became unresponsive on the campaign map. As the ranks fill with my remaining troops, I command my army to close with the enemy's, and my cavalry to rest some distance from the enemy flank. After nearly 4 hours of marching, I order my troops to charge, and my enemy does the same.

Lo and behold, the enemy stops thier units just before the charge hits, and sends thier one most powerful unit to berserk charge both of my heavy cavalry from the distance of a quarter mile. Thier slingers are ineffective, as they seem to have a problem loading and firing correctly. "Great Cicolluis!" I stood in shock as my slingers are somehow experiencing the same problem. "Truly, this could be anyone's battle now..."

Two battalions of enemy infantry began charging at my rear. I thought that the battle was finally over until the units came within a few yards of my own, and then pulled back. They then ran 20 yards away, stopped, then charged again- pulling back yet again once they got too close. They repeated this maneuvre over and over for some time, and I turned to my staff to ask "What are they doing?" My most trusted Lieutenant told me: "They seem to be glitching heavily, my lord!" I looked at the mass of tired troops as they broke formation to do synchronized gymnastics, and my expectations for this battle were immediately lowered.

As the enemy's army began to route, one of their slinger units suddenly remembered how to fire again and showered my bodyguard with stones! That's when my advisor, who had been silent for virtually the entire battle up until this point, came up to me: "Our General is under attack! Our Gerneral is under attack!" "Yes, I can see that, Captain..." -"Our General is under attack!" I could only imagine what it would be like if he were actually left in charge of the army for a turn. I ignored him as much as I possibly could as I sat there and brought my cavalry in for a hammer and anvil maneuver.

"When flanking your enemy, you want to..." I tried to focus on the battle at hand as my advisor continued through flanking 101 class. The enemy units finally routed, and this gave me nice breathing room to finish the jo- "The enemy General is dead!"

... as I was saying, I tell my melee units to hold thier ground as my cavalry does thier half-ass job of mopping-up enemy forces. I watched my cavalry from afar, and was bewildered by what I saw. "... Are they walking side-by-side!?" My advisor pointed out that a few of them were holding hands just before he shouted "Our men are wavering!" I shifted back over to my forces and scanned the battalions. _What the..._ A lone 50 troops out of the entire 1200 flees toward the ocean. "We can't win! Retreat!" Another immediately followed, causing two more to follow, which caused my entire army to route with them. _How is that even possible? _Upon seeing this, I took my helmet, strangled my advisor with it, and left the field.

Nothing was ever seen of General Dagomaros again. Although rumors surfaced time and time again that he had hung himself over a Celtic cess pool, there was never any trace of him to be found. The Woad Warriors continued-on with their campaign, however, and were met with surprisingly little resistance as the still sizeable army of Flevum was too passive to engage until their settlement had already been taken. However, the victory was only temporary as the entire army was completely wiped-out in revolution only 3 turns later.


End file.
